


I Hope You See Me

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Series: What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo [4]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Autistic Matteo, Autistic Matteo Florenzi, Canon Compliant, Canon Compliant ish, Canon Trans Character, Coming Out, Conflict, Davenzi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attack, Sensory Processing Disorder, Trans Male Character, Unintentional Ableism, What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo, autism coming out, autistic author, autistic headcanon, autistic!matteo, but it will get better I promise!, matteo/hans friendship, matteo/jonas friendship, mostly season 4 canon with a few minor divergences, references to Freitag 18:40, self diagnosed autism, self-diagnosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 17:04:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20312998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: As Matteo entered the flatshare, all he knew was that he did not feel good and that his afternoon with Jonas could have gone a lot better than it did. It could have gone a lot worse, but Matteo knew from the cloudy mess occupying his mind and the knotted jumble stuck in his stomach that things had really not gone well.~or~Matteo gets a less than ideal reaction when he comes out as autistic to Jonas, which leads to an epic afternoon of processing with David.





	I Hope You See Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome to part 4 of What Is It Exactly! It’s Jonas time! 
> 
> I’ve got to give a huge shout out to Havenshereagain for reassuring me about my plans for this part and giving me the confidence to write what my gut was telling me to write! Thanks, Haven! :)
> 
> Just for the sake of transparency, there is some unintentional ableism in this fic, though it does get debunked/called out after the fact. 
> 
> As always, I am dyslexic, autistic, and not trans. (And, I swear I don’t hate Jonas!)
> 
> The title is from “Mountains” by LSD. 
> 
> Enjoy!

As Matteo entered the flatshare, all he knew was that he did not feel good and that his afternoon with Jonas could have gone a lot better than it did. It could have gone a lot worse, but Matteo knew from the cloudy mess occupying his mind and the knotted jumble stuck in his stomach that things had really not gone well. 

As he walked into the living room, his heavy footsteps on the old wooden floor promoted David and Hans to look back at Matteo from the couch, where they had been huddled together over David’s phone. 

“Hey, how did it go?” David asked, smile fading just as fast as it appeared. Matteo knew David could tell just from one glance that something wasn’t right. If it wasn’t so meaningful that David could read him so well, Matteo might have actually grown tired of their daily dance of instantaneous nonverbal communication. But it was way too touching for that. He was used to it, but he would never get over it. 

“Yeah, did you tell him?” Hans asked, enthusiastically, catching Matteo off guard for just a moment before his memory started working again. 

Matteo had been so caught up in his experience of coming out as autistic to Jonas, that he had nearly forgotten that he had accidentally done the very same thing to Hans just hours before. 

“That sounds really, really good,” David had said from Matteo’s bed as he watched him finish getting ready.

“Thanks,” Matteo said, rummaging through one of his wardrobe’s drawers. “It’s basically all the same stuff that I told Amira yesterday at the coffee shop, and I know you’ve heard all that stuff a thousand times by now, but it still helps to practice exactly what I am going to say to him. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“No worries. But, babe,” David said as Matteo grabbed his blue jacket and clumsily pushed his arm through one of the sleeves. “I thought you were going to Görlitzer Park? It’s a little hot for a jacket?”

“It’s not that hot out. It’s September now. I’ll be fine” Matteo said, zipping up the jacket. “And, yes, it’s the same place where I told him about you for the first time, basically where I came to him out as gay.”

“I’m guessing you were responsible for picking the same location,” David said, getting up from the bed and following Matteo as he walked towards the door. 

“What can I say?” Matteo said, leaning against the door, David standing in front of him. “Us autistics don’t like change very much.”

David just smiled, leaning in for a quick kiss. Matteo couldn’t tell if the kiss meant “you’re funny” or “I’m proud of you” or “I love you” or “good luck” or “goodbye,” but he didn’t take the time to determine David’s intention, choosing just to take all five of the possible messages to heart. 

When they broke apart and left the room, Matteo continued on through into the living room while David hovered by Matteo’s door and lovingly said, “I’ll be here when you get back.”

Matteo didn’t have a chance to turn around and thank him because he was too distracted by Hans, who was walking fervently in his direction arms overflowing with sheets. 

“Ah, Matteo, you’re finally home, good,” Hans said, stopping in the middle of the living room. “Will you help me fold these sheets? Fitted sheets are really a two-person job.”

“As much as I would love to fold sheets with you,” Matteo said, tittering on the edge of sarcasm. “I have to go come out to Jonas, so I can’t.

“What?” Hans said, confused. “I’m pretty sure Jonas already knows your gay.” 

“Oh shit,” Matteo cursed indifferently, realizing what he had said. Truthfully, Matteo didn’t mind having put his foot in his mouth. Nonetheless, he spun around to look at David, who just gave him a look of apologetic encouragement. Still looking at him, Matteo said, “Jonas is going to be so pissed that he is the fourth person to find out.”

“Find out what?” Hans asked. 

Matteo turned back to face Hans. “That I am autistic,” he said casually.

“Really? That’s amazing!” Hans proclaimed, dropping the sheets on to the couch as he walked towards Matteo. “Did you just figure that out? That is so exciting! I just started watching this American TV show about autism, what a coincidence!”

Matteo didn’t really know what to say. He had figured Hans would be accepting and happy for him, but he hadn’t excepted him to be this enthusiastic, though, in retrospect, Matteo realized he really should have. 

“Well, for the record, just one autistic character on a TV show probably won’t be an exact match for Matteo,” David said, stepping in. 

“Right,” Matteo said with his dorky smile as he looked back and forth between Hans and David. “It’s a spectrum.”

“Right, of course,” Hans said. “I want to hear all about it.” 

Matteo grinned just a bit before signing with a mix of satisfaction and impatience. “And I would really love to tell you all about it, but I’ve got to go. Actually,” Matteo said turning back to David when an idea struck him. “David, do you maybe want to handle Hans? Not the sheets, I mean if you want to, but you know what I mean.”

“Are you sure you want me telling him stuff? I don’t want to speak for you,” David said, thoughtfully. 

“Yeah, I trust you with this, and I can fill any gaps later,” Matteo said. “But I really do have to get going. Sorry, Hans.”

“No need to apologize, I don’t mind some David/Hans time,” he said mischievously, promoting an affectionate eye-roll from Matteo as he finally left the apartment. 

As he walked to the bus stop, he relished the feeling of one more successful coming out under his belt and one less speech to give. Even though he had really only given his autism stump speech once, he already felt tired of giving it, so he was thankful to pass one person on his list along to David. But of course, he still had Jonas to handle himself, and even then, on the bus, he couldn’t shake the instinct to be wary of telling him. Intuition aside, he went ahead with it.

“Yeah,” Matteo said as David and Hans waited expectantly on the couch. “I told him.” 

Hans and David looked to each other for a moment, before Hans popped up from the couch and scurried over to where Matteo was standing. 

“Good, I’m proud of you, butterfly,” Hans said, pulling Matteo into a brief hug, which Matteo did actually appreciate. It was just enough of a hug to make him feel better, but not too much to smother him, which seemed like a real possibility for Matteo in that moment. “Now, you talk to your boyfriend while I go buy you blackout curtains,” he declared before heading out the door, leaving Matteo and David alone in the flatshare. 

“We were looking at that article about preventive sensory measures,” David explained as Matteo dropped on to the couch next to him. “and blackout curtains were listed as something to do for being hypersensitive to light. I told him about your street light problem, and well, now he’s on a mission.”

“That’s cool, thanks,” Matteo said and rubbed his face before letting his hands fall to his sides. 

“You want to tell me what happened with Jonas?” David asked, delicately, scooting a little closer and turning his body to face Matteo. 

“Yeah,” Matteo said, shifting to face David in the same way before he dove in. “Well, the conversation started pretty casual, just small talk ‘cause, like, he didn’t know I had anything to tell him. But then there was sort of a lull, and so I, you know, started the stuff we had practiced.” 

“I didn’t just ask you here to hang out or whatever,” Matteo had said, shyly, looking down as he stimmed with the wad of paper and foil that had held his dürüm. “I actually had something I wanted to talk about. Tell you.”

“I feel like I’m getting deja vu here, man,” Jonas said, playfully bumping their shoulders. Matteo only responded with an awkward smile and a forced laugh. “Oh, you really do have something serious again, don’t you?” 

“Yeah,” Matteo said. He sat up a little straighter and looking up at the mostly overcast sky. “I’ve been dealing with some stuff lately. Just like, feeling overwhelmed and stressed about stuff. And you know, I mean, there’s sort of a lot of stuff, like bright lights and navigating social shit. It’s just all been a lot, and a lot more than normal lately. I’ve been feeling weird and different and a little helpless and just fucking exhausted all the time. And, so David and I, we, umm, did some research about what could be going on with me and we figured it out. We figured out that I am on the autism spectrum.”

“Wait,” David said, placing a hand on Matteo’s knee. “Can I stop you for one second?”

“I know,” Matteo said, throwing his head back on the top of the couch. “You are going to ask why I said it like that? ‘That wasn’t at all like the speech we prepped.’ I know.”

“What happened?” David asked, gently. 

“I don’t know, I just got super nervous and he was staring at me, and I just couldn’t do it,” Matteo said. “It’s so stupid because I had literally just said it to Hans the way I wanted. ‘I’m autistic.’ Confident, identity-first language, just like I say it to you, to Amira, to myself. But with Jonas, I just couldn’t do it.” 

David moved his hand up to Matteo’s shoulder and give it a firm, loving squeeze and give an encouraging, empathetic look. It was all Matteo needed to continue recounting his time with Jonas. 

“Luigi,” Jonas had sighed after Matteo’ finished talking. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure?” he said. Matteo couldn’t tell if he sounded caring or frustrated or just plain confused. 

“What do you mean?” Matteo asked face scrunched. He turned to look at Jonas, eyes landing securely on the bridge of his nose. Just close enough to real eye contact to be socially acceptable. 

“How did you come to that?” Jonas asked. “Because as far as I can tell, you don’t seem like you have autism.”

“What do I seem like then?” Matteo asked, already feeling overwhelmed. He couldn’t help the pang of genuine curiosity at Jonas’ assertion even though he also couldn’t help the stabbing twinge of betrayal in his stomach. 

“I just mean, we aren’t really sure you have autism, right?” Jonas said. “Like, did you take some quiz or something? Where is this coming from?”

“David and I read some articles, and, I don’t know, we just figured it out,” Matteo said, trying to carry on like this conversation was normal, but he couldn’t. “I’m sorry, but, what is happening right now?” Matteo asked, looking away from Jonas in favor of the grass, voice shaking. “I just told you that I have autism, and, and, you don’t believe me?”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you,” Jonas said, moving forward unfazed. “I’m just not sure that autism is necessarily what is going on here. I mean, maybe it is; I’m not an autism expert. But I am a Matteo expert. I’ve known you since we were kids, and I’ve never once seen you do anything that made me think, ‘oh, that guy has autism.’ But I have seen you depressed and anxious and distracted by personal stuff in your life, and when that happens, I have seen you spiral and make big things out of little things. Not to be a jerk, but you do have a tendency to either ignore your problems or catastrophize them. And to me, this— saying you have autism all of a sudden— seems like classic Matteo catastrophizing.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” David said again, and Matteo just thrust his head into the crock of David’s neck in frustration. “I’m sorry, I really do want to let you finish, but does Jonas not realize that what he described is literary a textbook autistic behavior. All or nothing thinking and behaving?”

“David, I know,” Matteo sighed. “But this is really just the beginning and we are never going to get through it if we dissect every little detail as we go."

“Okay, sorry, go on,” David said. “What did you say next?”

“Nothing, I didn’t know what to say,” Matteo said, sitting up and leaning back on the couch again. “I mean, I’ve barely processed through all this now, in the moment I didn’t even have stuck words. So, I couldn’t really do anything except let him keep talking.” 

“I mean, look, they call it a spectrum, right? The autism spectrum,” Jonas continued. “And they call it that because everyone is a little bit on the spectrum. Everyone has hard days and times where things feel overwhelming. But that doesn’t mean you have autism. Like, yeah, you aren’t the most outgoing, intuitive guy but, I would never go as far as to label you as ‘autistic.’ That just seems extreme. You know what I mean?”

“I’m so confused,” Matteo managed to mumble, shaking his head. “Didn’t you just say that we all have a little autism? So, wouldn’t that would make me autistic?” 

“All I’m saying is that you don’t need to go labeling yourself on the spectrum if you just exhibit a few of the symptoms every once and a while,” Jonas said. “I mean, what is making you say that you have autism? Maybe I am missing stuff.”

Matteo was thankful to hear Jonas taking a step off his soapbox for a moment. If he could just explain the stuff he had been experiencing and feeling, maybe Jonas would understand. But explaining things wasn’t always the easiest task, and given how Matteo already felt that underwater feeling starting to come on, he wasn’t sure he would be able to do justice to the hard work he had been putting into verbalizing his experiences. 

“Well, it’s complicated,” Matteo started, every word feeling way too effortful. “It’s not like I can’t do anything or function all at. It’s just there is stuff that makes it harder to, like, hang out with people and go out and do school things, for example. Like, a lot of time I have these, um, sensory issues. Like the lights are too bright or I just can’t handle loud noises. And I only like certain foods because of textures. But sometimes it is backward, like, sometimes, oh there’s a word for it, but I can’t remember. It’s like sometimes things are too much, but sometimes they are also not enough. And I just have to get out because I have this really weird relationship to the world around me, and I just have to get things back on track and rest and, fuck, this isn’t making any sense.”

“No, it kind of is,” Jonas said. “I mean, I do know what you are talking about. You always leave parties or take breaks and when you don’t you usually look pretty out of it.”

“Yes, yes, parties are a perfect example,” Matteo said, excitedly, looking back in Jonas’s direction as his speech became easier to get out. “Like, I can handle it for a little while, but over time it just gets to be too much and I have to leave. And sometimes I force myself to stay, and then I just feel burned out and exhausted. And it isn’t just parties. There are all sorts of situations where things get to be too much.”

“Like what?”

“Like, so it isn’t always sensory,” Matteo said. He felt back on track. He was back on track. “Sometimes, it is social or emotional, or a combination of things. Like, that time when you guys came to check on me after I broke up with Sara and I was lovesick over David? I was feeling super overwhelmed by everything that was going on socially and emotionally, and so couldn’t keep up with the conversation and I was spacey and then I just yelled at you guys. That was totally autism stuff, I just didn’t know it.”

“I thought that was just because you were dealing with your sexuality,” Jonas said. “At that time, you were dealing with so much stuff with— your sexuality, David, Sara, and things were still complicated with your parents and you had just moved into the flatshare. Wouldn’t anyone get stressed out by all that?”

“Well, maybe,” Matteo said, not sure what else to say, even though he still felt like his mind was moving a million miles a minute. 

“But are you still feeling like that? Now that things have been resolved for a while?” Jonas asked. Matteo looked over to him and could see that he was truly pensive. He was actually trying really hard to understand and to get a better picture of everything that was going on with Matteo. But Matteo couldn’t shake the thought that it wasn’t working. 

“No, I still feel that way a lot,” Matteo told him. “It is a little different, I guess, but the same kind of stuff keeps happening, panic attacks and just getting exhausted from tiny things and having sensory overload and things like that. And this stuff happened even before that time in my life. Like, I look back on my whole life and all I see is this mess of autism traits and behaviors and all sorts of things that gave me hell in the moment because I didn’t understand them. But now I look back and it’s like things are crystal clear for the first time. Like, this has been my life forever I just didn’t realize it until now.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that, Matteo,” Jonas said, and Matteo could tell he did genuinely feel sorry. Matteo just wasn’t sure what he was sorry for— that he had found clarity in the word “autism” or that he had a problem he needed clarity for? “You seem to be doing pretty well, though.”

“Yeah, well I’m telling you that I am not doing well,” Matteo exclaimed louder than he realized. His emotions had been ramping up for a while now, and he was finally able to express them, though he wasn’t quite sure exactly what he was expressing. It was something like anger though, something like longing. “I know it looks like everything is fine, just classic Matteo. But I am telling you that classic Matteo is really autistic Matteo. This is what I am going through. I need you to listen to me, okay? I’m not telling you all this shit because I get a kick out of sitting here describing how shitty the world makes me feel. I’m telling you because you are supposed to be my best friend and I need you to get it.” 

“Matteo, man, take a breath,” Jonas said, and it was only then that Matteo realized that he wasn’t really breathing. It was just word after word, no thoughts, no breaths. He caught his next statement in his throat and pushed his hand to his chest as he tried to grasp for air. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yes, no, I don’t know,” Matteo sighed when he regained enough composer to speak again. But even then, whatever strength he had mustered up had dissipated and he felt like he was back at the bottom of a lake or an ocean or a pool or whatever body of water was ready to drown him this time. 

“Look, Luigi,” Jonas said, scooting a little closer to him. “I really appreciate you talking to me about this. If I am being totally honest, I guess I always did know that there was something going on with you. You have always been sort of quiet and sensitive, like, you always needed me to look out for you. But I guess I just didn’t realize that this was so serious to you and that you were still dealing with it. You and David just seemed so happy together, and I guess I figured that you had worked through all the shit you needed to work through. But I am sorry that I didn’t see what was really going on. But I see it now that you have pointed it out to me. I am here, your best friend, and I want to help you work through all this stuff you are feeling.”

“Thanks, Jonas,” Matteo said, softly. 

“I can tell this is a really stressful situation for you,” Jonas said. “But we’ll get through it, okay. I mean, you still haven’t even seen a phycologist or a doctor, have you?”

“No, but I wasn’t really—” Matteo started. 

“Well, then there is an easy next step!” Jonas said, triumphantly. “You can go and find out for sure if you even have autism. And if you do, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you have autism, it is just that, something you have and something you can deal with. Whatever professional you go to will be able to help you deal with all this stuff and figure out how to get you back to just being the Luigi we all know and love. And even if they say that you don’t have autism, I am sure they will have all sorts of advice for how to deal with the stuff you are dealing with, which, I promise, I believe is happening. I just don’t know enough to label it with anything, especially such a serious label like autism. I mean, neither you or me or David are actually medical professionals, after all.” 

“Wait, Matteo, stop for one second,” David said. “I’m sorry for interrupting you again, but did he just imply that you need to get cured? I mean, you can’t just say it is nothing to be ashamed of and then say things that make autism feel like a shameful thing!”

“David, I don’t even know,” Matteo said voice dripping in exhaustion. He just wanted to go back in time and forget this whole mess ever happened. He didn’t know how to feel or what to think. He had so many questions that they weren’t even circulating in his head. He just felt out of it. Numb. Empty. He figured that sooner or later something would break through the weight of the confusion in his head, but until then, Matteo just didn’t have anything left to give. 

“Come here,” David said, stretching his arm out and gesturing with his head for Matteo to come closer. Matteo let himself collapse into David, head falling on his shoulder and body pressing into David as David wrapped his arms around him. Matteo settled in, body relaxing as he wondered why they hadn’t been sitting in this position the whole time. 

“If it is too hard, you don’t have to keep going,” David said quietly, chin securely cradling Matteo’s head. 

“Thanks,” Matteo mumbled into David’s collarbone, knowing that even though he could barely understand himself, David could. That went for his one little word, and for the chaos in Matteo’s head. Even if David didn’t have all the answers, he always knew what questions to ask, when to push, when to pull and when to just let Matteo crash into him.

Matteo was more thankful than ever for David’s presence in his life after his conversation with Jonas. He had always thought Jonas filled a similar role in his life— someone who understood without too much pressure, protected when necessary and would always be there even when things got complicated. Matteo wasn’t so sure he could count on Jonas to understand anymore, and without that core of understanding, could his friendship ever really mean anything?

Jonas had always been just what Matteo needed, letting him escape during parties no questions asked, making sure he was invited to things, even being a great wingman after he told him about David. So why was it that for this one thing, Jonas seemed so distant from true understanding? It had been so easy for David, Amira, and Hans. It had even been pretty easy for Matteo, all things considered. But Jonas’ reaction left him confused about basically everything. And Matteo was done being confused.

“Well, there really isn’t much else left to say,” Matteo said after a while, thoughts beginning to process through his head again. He wasn’t sure how long it had been, but he had some things to say and something to do. He understood now why he hadn’t cuddled up to David initially. “But, David?”

“Hmm?” he answered. 

“I think I need to get up,” Matteo said. “It’s really hot in here and I’ve been sitting too much today.” 

“Oh, okay, no problem,” David said, letting go. Matteo did miss the comfort of David surrounding him, but he did appreciate immediately feeling a bit freer and a little cooler when he got up from the couch. He was still burning up though. 

“When did it get so hot?” Matteo asked, flustered as he found himself pacing in front of the coffee table. That action was probably just going to make him hotter, but he really could stop himself. He felt restless. He needed to move. 

“Maybe you should take your jacket off?” David suggested, watching cautiously from the couch.

“No, no, I can’t,” Matteo said, waving away David’s idea. Logically, he knew taking off his jacket would cool him down, but he also knew that taking off his jacket would be too big of a change, too much a shift, too much of a loss, and he didn’t want to introduce any more to this moment. He was already lost in a web of emerging complex thoughts and emotions. He didn’t need more complications. 

“Matteo, can you walk me through what is happening here?” David asked, leaning forward. 

“I just, I don’t know, I just, there’s a lot going on up here,” he said, pointing to his head as he walked back and forth, brow furrowing more and more as he did. “And I think I just need to, like, get it out because I’m thinking and feeling a lot of things I don’t want to sit on them for hours or days. I want to fucking deal with them.” 

“Okay,” David said. “Then let’s fucking deal with them. Where do you want to start?”

“No idea.”

“First thing that comes to your mind, just say it.”

“Am I even autistic?” Matteo blurted out, stopping for one moment to look at David. Matteo didn’t know how to use words to describe the look on David’s face, but he knew what the look meant and it pretty much answered his question. 

“Yes, Matteo, you are autistic,” David said slowly and seriously. “I mean, I don’t think we would be in this situation right here, right now, if you weren’t autistic.”

“And what is this situation?” Matteo asked, walking again. 

“You pacing aggressively in your living room because you are craving movement, overheating yet not taking your jacket off and attempting to verbally process through your thoughts and feelings, which are overwhelming you because you can’t get a good handle on them. Thoughts and feelings, I might add, that only exist because you are trying to comprehend the social interaction of telling your best friend you are autistic, which is something I really don’t think you would have done if you didn’t seriously think you were autistic.” 

“Okay, okay, you’re right,” Matteo said, the explanation of the current moment helping ground himself in a reality that felt like it was slowly slipping away despite it feeling so, so incredibly real. “That all sounds pretty autistic. But, like, I haven’t seen a professional or whatever. Jonas said I need to do that.”

“Two questions,” David said. “One; do you want to go to a phycologist right now or in the near future?”

“No, hell, no,” Matteo said before David could even ask the second question. “I don’t want to go to some doctor who is going to poke and prod at my existence and try to tell me things about me, and maybe not even agree that I am autistic because I am not the picture-perfect autistic 5-year-old or whatever. I don’t need some shrink to get in my head and tell me something I already know. I’m fucking autistic. There is no better professional about my head than me.” When David just leaned back on the couch in response, smiling, Matteo continued expectantly. “So, what’s the second question?”

“Who is the real professional about Matteo Florenzi?” David said, affectionately. 

“Oh, that’s me!” Matteo exclaimed, stopping and shoving a finger to his chest. “Wait,” Matteo said, stealing a smug smile out of David’s playbook. “So, this mind-reading thing goes both ways now? That’s pretty cool.” 

“Does that make you feel better?” David asked, flirtatiously.

“Ugh, no,” Matteo sighed, throwing his head back. It was a nice moment, but his head was still churning. He started to move again, but as he spoke, something compelled him to leave pacing behind and exit the living room entirely. “Did I tell you that Jonas asked how our relationship was, and I quote, ‘fairing?’”

“No, you didn’t,” David said, barely getting a word in as he got up to follow Matteo. He was already just a few steps from reaching the entryway to the apartment. 

“Well, he did, and I told him we were ‘fairing’ just fine, thank you very much,” Matteo said, turning to walk backward when he noticed that David was following him. “I mean, you were the one who encouraged me to do all of this in the first place and you have been fucking amazing about everything. Like, why would our relationship have to fall apart because we found out some more information about me? Although maybe my relationship with him— ouch, shit,” Matteo groaned when he ran his back directly into the kitchen’s open doorway. 

“Yeah, maybe you should walk forward from now on, babe,” David said, grimacing sympathetically as he watched Matteo rub his back. 

“Like, I can’t even walk right, how could Jonas seriously think I am not autistic,” Matteo said, starting up again, entering the kitchen. “Anyways, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my lack of balance and that fucking wall—” he said glaring directly at the doorway. “Oh my god, I’m yelling at a fucking wall. How can he not see it? Fuck! Maybe this is it! Maybe we’ve just run our course! Maybe he just can’t handle having an autistic best friend! One who isn’t the living breathing embodiment of every autism stereotype out there! Or maybe be can’t handle not being the one to fucking figure it out! Maybe he can’t get over the fact that for once in his fucking life he isn’t the except!”

“Yeah, maybe,” David said, leaning against the counter as Matteo covered every square inch of the kitchen. 

“I mean, did you catch how he kept saying “have autism” or “on the autism spectrum?” Matteo asked darling on. “Like through the whole conversation! Don’t you think that is weird? Like, he only said ‘autistic’ once, and it was him saying he wouldn’t use that word to describe me. That is was too extreme?”

“Yeah, I did notice—”

“But then again, I didn’t say ‘autistic’ either, when I first told him. He was following my lead! God, if I had just been more confident in saying what I needed to say maybe he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did. I mean, seriously, like, I set the tone for that whole conversation,” Matteo said, arm flailing right into the refrigerator. 

“Okay, babe,” David said, sternly, moving to stand in front of Matteo who was now leaning back on the cool stainless-steel refrigerator. “I know you’ve got a lot pouring out of you right now and you’re doing a great job, but maybe try to bring it down just one notch so you stop hurting yourself.” 

“It’s fine, I can barely feel it anyways,” Matteo said nonchalantly. “Although, maybe I didn’t set that tone for the conversation because I started saying ‘autistic’ at some point, didn’t I? So, he wasn’t following my lead, he was following his own lead!” 

“Exactly, so try not to be mad at yourself for the way you started the conversation,” David said. “A lot of people are taught inaccurate things, like to only use person-first language—”

“It’s just so frustrating! I mean, I get that autism is complicated and it’s a spectrum so it’s hard to understand— oh my god, the spectrum thing! Jonas had no idea what he was talking about! Why does no one know what ‘autism spectrum’ actually means?”

“Yeah, I really had to hold myself back from interjecting when you told me that part,” David said, shaking his head. “So completely wrong.” 

“But, like, why is that a thing, people not wanting to use words like ‘autistic?’” Matteo asked. “It is so stupid because people like me are totally comfortable using the word ‘autistic.’ Like, I’ve worked my ass off to find that word and understand that word and become comfortable with that word because it really is my word, and if I want to use it, then I am going to fucking use it!”

“And you should, no one is stopping you,” David said affirmatively, but Matteo was already walking away again, his mind propelling him forward. 

“And Jonas should too!” Matteo yelled, as he left the kitchen and started heading back towards the rest of the apartment. Matteo could hear David’s footsteps, so he continued, walking forward this time. “I just don’t understand how it went so terribly,” he said pointedly as he entered the bathroom for no other reason besides it was the next room on his warpath through the flatshare. “I mean, I was telling him my truth and he said he could see me, but I really don’t think he could. And honestly, it felt like he didn’t even care about what I was telling him. But, like, why would he not care? I’m his best friend! He should care! Did he fucking care and I am just too autistic to recognize it? Maybe I read that all wrong! Maybe Jonas is fucking ally of the year!” Matteo shouted, volume and intensity steadily increasing with every syllable and every hand gesture. “God, autism is hard enough on its own, why do they have to add on all these societal conventions and language disputes and complicated situations like coming out. I mean, why the fuck was coming out as gay easier than coming out as autistic? David, holy fuck!” Matteo screamed, chest tight and body suddenly still as he looked to David, horrified by what he was putting together. “It was easier to come out as gay than it was to come out as autistic! Why— What— that’s so— why?” 

As he stuttered out the beginnings of questions he couldn’t bring himself to finish, he crumbed down to the floor in front of the sink, unable to hold himself up any longer. His eyes closed, his breathing ceased and the words got stuck again. It was all just too much. 

David swopped into action, shutting the bathroom door in case anyone came home, then crouching down on the floor in front of Matteo, who had his feet planted on the ground, legs bent in front of him. David firmly placed his hands on Matteo’s knees, steading him so that he wouldn’t fall backward into the pipes under the sink or hit his head on the porcelain somehow. 

Upon feeling David’s hands, Matteo remembered to breathe, trying to inhale and exhale in chorus with his beating heart, which he could feel in every vein in his body and hear louder than his own thoughts. His face was on fire, and he could feel sweat beginning to kick in to cool him down, though it didn’t seem to be working. He figured he David could tell he was boiling, and that was why he hadn’t gone beyond close proximity and hands on knees. 

He knew David would have been fine to end the conversation there, pick it up some other time when things were less intense. But Matteo knew if they didn’t finish this now, he may never be able to harness these critical emotions. 

“Why? David, why?” Matteo eventually whispered desperately. “Why is it so much easier to come out as gay than as autistic?” 

“Because everyone over the age of 12 knows what it means to be gay, but that isn’t true of autism. At least they don’t know what it really means,” David said softly, not missing a beat. 

“It just sucks that I have to go around explaining this stuff to people,” Matteo said. “Like, even when people are great about stuff, it still sucks. I shouldn’t have to give a perfectly phrased speech to be understood and respected. I should be able to just say it and have that be enough.” 

“I know exactly how you feel, Matteo, you aren’t alone in this,” David said. “I know exactly how it feels to have to explain yourself to the people who should just get it. To always feel like there is something seriously wrong with you because if there was nothing wrong with you, then wouldn’t they just get it and that would be the end of it? But,” David let out a deep breath. “It’s never is the end, is it?”

“Oh my god,” Matteo said opening his eyes, suddenly overwhelmed with a whole different kind of emotion. David knew exactly what he was feeling. “David, I am so sorry, I wasn’t even thinking. I put you in this very spot. I am so sorry. I really didn’t mean to. David,” he said emotionally. He hadn’t been able to cry for himself, but when he reached out to gently place his hand on David’s cheek, he could feel the tears appearing. 

“Matteo, it’s okay,” David said. “I know exactly how it feels to be in this spot, sure. And, sure, coming out to you wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but you were by far not the worst reaction I got.” David leaned into the touch of Matteo’s hand, and as he closed his eyes for a moment, Matteo could tell he was pushing away the memories that he could never let go of completely, no matter how hard he tried. Matteo ached for David just as much as David ached for Matteo. “But,” David said opening his eyes and speaking again with robust compassionate back in his voice. “I also know how to feels to watch people come around. To come out to them and have them not understand a thing and then watch them grow into the best sister and the best boyfriend you could possibly have.”

“Okay,” Matteo whispered, barely making any sound. “I’m just really sorry that I made you feel the way Jonas made me feel.”

“Thank you, really,” David said, shifting to sit instead of crouch. “But I don’t know if you actually did, not fully. The two situations are different.” 

“So, you weren’t mad at me?” Matteo asked, sniffling, struggling to believe that David hadn’t been mad at him the way he was beginning to realize he was mad at Jonas. 

“I was mad at the world,” David admitted, after a moment of thought. “I was scared, I was upset, I was confused, I was unsure if we had a future together, I was insecure and lonely, but all that wasn’t directed to you, per se. Why would I be mad at you for things you can’t control? For the way your brain works? I knew even back then that there was something different about the way you processed things. And it’s not like you wanted to be in that position. It’s not like you purposely avoided learning about trans stuff. It’s just the world you were living in. That’s why I was mad at the world, not you, okay?” Matteo nodded, starting to understand the nuance, but still unsure what it meant for him and Jonas. Matteo was mad at the world, but he was mostly mad at Jonas. Maybe David was just a better person than him. “And plus, you were so honest about the fact that you didn’t know everything you needed to know and you took the time to research and process and then you listened to me and asked thoughtful questions in a kind way.”

“But Jonas isn’t doing that!” Matteo exclaimed, startling himself. “He is just walking all over me and telling me that he knows me better than I know myself and trying to convince me that the only reason I am thinking this about myself is because I'm over exaggerating the way I felt when I was dealing with my sexuality! God, I can’t get over this fucking sexuality thing!”

“And that’s totally understandable,” David said, following Matteo’s conversational shift. “It’s complicated to be queer and autistic. Remember that article you showed me? About the double minority? It is a complex intersection and it is impossible to completely separate the effect each thing has on your life. It’s messy and it is hard to understand even when you are in the middle of it yourself.”

“And even harder when you aren’t in the middle of it, fuck,” Matteo said, looking up at the ceiling, the pieces all falling into place in his mind. “That’s why Jonas isn’t doing all that stuff, the listening, the asking questions, the actual accepting. He has no fucking idea what it is like to need any of that from anyone. That’s why it was so different with you and Hans and even with Amira. He isn’t even trying because he doesn’t know he even needs to try because he has never needed anyone to try for him. Is this making any sense? Or am I just being terrible to him because he is straight and cis and white and male and all that?”

“No, Jonas as a very real privilege that we have to be aware of,” David said. “And you are absolutely allowed to be mad at Jonas for not doing better. Maybe he couldn’t help himself because of the environment he was raised in but he needs to start unlearning the inaccurate and harmful things he learned—”

“And so far, he has shown no signs of doing that,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, and you are allowed to be mad about that. You deserve better.”

“But I am so fucking mad at the world,” Matteo said, feeling that restless pull again and getting up from the floor. David stood with him and took a step to stand next to him as Matteo leaned back onto the sink. “Because you were right. It isn’t totally Jonas’ fault. I mean, he needs to step up, but it is not his fault that isn’t already there. It’s been like, maybe three hours. You gave me time, I’ll give him time. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be mad at the world for people needing time. There is so much misinformation and so many myths and stereotypes and wrong assumptions and that is so not okay.”

“You’re right. It is not a victimless crime. There are real people’s lives on the line out there,” David said turning to look at Matteo. “In here.” 

“So, how do we fix it?” Matteo asked, bring his eyes to actually meet David’s. 

For once, it was David who pulled his eyes away, lost in thought as he pondered the question. In the silence, Matteo turned around to face the sink, hands holding on to the edge and eyes fixated on the drain. 

“Maybe,” David finally said, still facing the other direction. “it starts with standing up for ourselves. For not taking the bullshit. Not putting up with the misinformation and the misguided complements and the misplaced support. Refusing to stay silent even when it is hard.”

“So, it starts with me finding a way to talk to Jonas about how much his reaction hurt me,” Matteo said. 

“I don’t think you are obligated to fix it, Matteo,” David said, turning his head to look at Matteo. 

“But I think that I want to,” Matteo said, looking up to see himself in the mirror as something clicked within him. For the first time, it felt like he could actually recognize the person gazing back at him. 

In the mirror, he could also see David. David who was next to him. David who was turning around to face the same way as him, to see the same things Matteo saw. To see the same Matteo that Matteo saw. 

“Then, yeah, I think that’s a great place to start.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Both of the articles mentioned in this part have been linked in the endnotes of parts 2 and 3 respectfully. 
> 
> Part 5 will be up next Monday! :) 
> 
> \--
> 
> I do want to give a quick disclaimer here: I am not against formal/official autism diagnosis, just as I am not against self-diagnosis. Doing a professional evaluation and getting official documentation was very an important part of my autistic journey, as was coming to discover my autism independently, on my own terms. Matteo’s statements in this fic reflect where he is at in his journey at this point, and this topic of self-diagnosis “vs” formal/official diagnosis will continue to be explored in this series. Also, this series will most certainly continue to deal with Jonas's hurtful reaction. We are very much in the middle of the angst right now, but it will get better, I promise! Hope nothing is too triggering for anyone; I am just trying to be accurate and follow these characters! Feel free to talk to me about any of this stuff if you want/need to! The comment section is always there, and my ask box/messages are always open on my Tumblr (gleedegrassi-bigfan)! <3


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